


Twenty Questions

by sumomomochi



Series: The 'Verse in Which Dirk is Anime Horatio Caine [5]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: BDSM, Consensual Kink, Dom John, Dom/sub, Family Feels, Humanstuck, M/M, Sub Dave
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-24
Updated: 2013-04-24
Packaged: 2017-12-09 10:06:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/772978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sumomomochi/pseuds/sumomomochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>TG : fuck you<br/>EB : maybe later<br/>TG : promise me<br/>EB : pinky swear <3</p><p>Cold deli chicken as a portal to The Twilight Zone and exposition through chatlog.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Twenty Questions

CG : HEADS UP SHITSTAIN  
CG : YOU HAD BETTER HAVE A DRASTICALLY IMPROVED GRASP ON HOW TO EFFECTIVELY TURN DOWN AFFECTIONS YOU AREN’T INTERESTED IN RECIPROCATING ASSHOLE.  
EB : oh, hey karkat.  
EB : and i have? where did this come from?  
CG : JADE HAS BEEN POSTING PICTURES FROM HER INTERNSHIP ON FACEBOOK.  
CG : THE BLOND YOU HANG OUT WITH IS GIVING YOU BEDROOM EYES IN ALL OF THEM AND, SINCE I AM A GOOD FRIEND, I AM POINTING THIS OUT TO YOU SO YOU DON’T MAKE A COMPLETE ASSHAT OUT OF YOURSELF WHEN HE GROWS THE BALLS TO CONFESS.  
EB : oh.  
EB : uh.  
EB : i kind of know already?  
CG : I AM ENTIRELY AMAZED AT YOUR SUDDEN GRASP OF INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS AND ROMANTIC OVERTURES.  
EB : uh. okay.

EB : oh man jade, karkat is doing his whole angry mother hen thing over dave.  
EB : what do????  
GG : ahaha idk?? what’s he doing?  
EB : i think he’s threatening my personhood because i think he thinks that i don’t realize dave’s thing for me WHICH IS SILLY SINCE WE’RE DATING.  
EB : oh shit wait. karkat doesn’t know i’m dating dave.  
GG : well there’s your problem silly x3  
EB : shit.

EB : i mean i know because he kind of told me?  
CG : AND YOU’RE STILL MAINTAINING REGULAR CONTACT. HE MUST HAVE THE STONIEST BALLS OF ALL.  
EB : um  
EB : actually we’re sort of dating so.  
EB : … karkat?  
CG : I WOULD SAY THAT IS THE SHITTIEST EXCUSE FOR A PRANK YOU HAVE EVER TRIED TO PULL ON ME, INCLUDING YOUR STUPID OBSESSION WITH BUCKETS, BUT JADE HAS CONFIRMED IT.  
CG : SO INSTEAD I’M GOING TO SAY : WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?  
CG : FIRSTLY, YOU’RE A COMPLETE DICK STAIN FOR NOT TELLING ME.  
CG : AND SECOND HOW THE FUCK, MISTER I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL, DID YOU WIND UP WITH A BOYFRIEND?  
EB : very carefully?  
CG : ALRIGHT NO.  
CG : WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU ARE NOT JOHN. I COMMAND YOU TO REPLACE WHATEVER POD CREATURE YOU HAVE IMITATING MY FRIEND, BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT DOING A GOOD JOB OF IT.  
EB : no, dude, karkat, i am actually me, promise.  
EB : i just sort of ended up dating dave?  
CG : TEXAS JUST GAVE YOU THE GAY, THEN.  
EB : lol, i guess. i don’t really consider myself gay though.  
EB : and i’m not really all that interested in guys either.  
CG : THEN WHY THE EVER LOVING FUCK ARE YOU DATING A GUY?  
EB : i mean, okay, i can admit that guys can be attractive and stuff too but i’m not all like wow, i want to fuck him.  
EB : i’m not really like that with girls either so...  
EB : he’s, um, a good sub.  
CG : WOW THAT’S A BRILLIANT REASON TO BE DATING SOMEONE.  
EB : no it’s perfectly valid thanks!  
EB : and i /like/ him because he’s funny and makes stupid jokes and stuff.  
EB : i /fuck/ him because he’s a good sub.  
EB : not mutually exclusive, asshole.  
EB : i probably wouldn’t be quite so sexually interested in him if he wasn’t a sub, but he is and i like him so i’m dating him.  
EB : now back off.

EB : uuuugh i ended up having to tell one of my friends that we’re dating and now he’s being a giant cock.  
TG : im so flattered  
EB : no dave you don’t understand he’s being such a dick omfg.  
TG : so whyd you bother telling him  
EB : oh no. you don’t get to be all grumbly and upset.  
EB : he had a huuuuge crush on me when we were in junior high and i was the biggest, most oblivious asshole when i was a kid so i blew him off and he punched me in the face and we’re FINALLY friends again.  
EB : and suddenly i have a boyfriend :I  
TG : so hes being a little bitch about not getting into your pants  
EB : basically.  
EB : and he’s being extra dickish because you’re my sub and i think he’s assuming that i’ve just suddenly heel-face-turned :I  
TG : wow what a cunt  
EB : dave! don’t be a dick!  
TG : dude you came to me complaining about how hes a dick how am i not allowed to be a dick too  
EB : heheh, because you’ve never met him? you’d probably get along. he’s an asshole too.  
TG : gee thanks love you too babe  
EB : <3  
TG : subject change  
TG : whatchu gonna make for dinner  
EB : uh idk. any requests?  
TG : you  
TG : *eyebrow waggle*  
EB : heheh you perv <3

**=== >**

You don’t cook dinner for him when you come over. It’s hot as sin so you just sit around in your underwear, eating otter pops until your tongue is blue and the edges of your mouth sting with cuts from the plastic.

“Ugh,” you whine, “This is balls. How do you do this?”

“Practice,” he states simply. His freckly tan has doubled in darkness since summer started, his shoulders and chest pink and peeling in places. He’s got the same stupid tanlines as you do at his temple, from where his sunglasses sit. On him it’s extra silly, since he’s so naturally pale and you, at least, can run around with your glasses and be alright.

You think he looks extra cute with his awkward tan lines, but you also kind of wished you had gone home. It still would have been ballfuck hot, but you would so take crisp lake water over the crowded, body warm chlorine pools you keep dragging him to here. But you would have missed Dave and it would have been awkward bringing him with.

Then again, Dave has air conditioning. It’s shitty AC, but shitty is better than non-existent, and you can fuck him here. Well, could, if it wasn’t so freaking hot.

You flop onto your back across his floor; “Fuck I’m so sweaty; this is gross.”

He snickers and slaps you with his ice pop. It’s gloriously chilled but it stings like a bitch and just makes you whine more. He laughs harder, crawling over you to press his lips against yours. He’s been eating one of the ones coloured like antifreeze and his tongue is icey when he dips it into your mouth.

“Wanna take a shower with me?”

“Oh god yes.”

You hop up and run off to his bathroom faster than you’ve ever run to a shower. He joins you as you shuck your shorts, squeezes past you to lean into the shower and turn on the water.

You’ve gotten used to how dim they keep their apartment, though you still snicker a little every time you shower here because you feel it’s almost dark enough to call for Bloody Mary, since it’s the only room that doesn’t have a window, and you’re still young enough to feel like a stupid teenager. You don’t call Bloody Mary, though, because your boyfriend is hot and also naked and you’re totally about to shower with him.

You step in after him and find the water is totally not as cold as you were expecting. In fact, you’d say it’s lukewarm. You groan and pout and Dave snorts a laugh.

“Quit being such a whiner,” he tells you. He’s a little too tall to fit under the shower head, and the spray hits him between his shoulder blades. It’s stifling next to him, since he’s an asshole taking up all the water, which is freaking _warm_. He rolls his eyes; “You can pass out from heatstroke if you take a shower that’s too cold when it’s really hot out.”

“Well, that’s dumb,” you grumble.

“I thought you were a bio major,” he snickers.

“Yeah, like, DNA and shit.”

“Hmm, well, _technically_ it’s better for you to drink hot things when it’s hot out because it kick starts your sweating. So shall I make you a cuppa when we get out?”

You smack him in the shoulder and he sniggers.

**=== >**

You jump when the door slams open but Dirk hardly moves from his spot on the couch as a skinny older woman bursts in, a second in decked out in black lipstick and the _ugliest_ fucking haircut you have ever seen following behind. You’re wrist deep in a cold deli chicken and caught so fucking off guard by their sudden arrival that all you can do is stare.

The older woman, the one that looks like she’s not about to eat your soul, hops on the couch next to Dirk with a happy squeal and you have no idea what’s going on anymore.

“I like the addition to your decor, Dirk,” the second girl says with a tilt of her head towards you, black lips quirking up. You think she has spikes coming out of her head. In fact, you’re pretty sure she does.

“Honey, don’t be a cunt,” the other woman chides sweetly.

“Yes, mother.”

Maybe this chicken is actually a portal to the Twilight Zone. That would explain everything. The girl perches herself in one of the kitchen chairs, hands folded neatly on the tabletop. She’s staring at you and it is honestly sort of freaking you out.

The mom says to Dirk, “So you swinging the other direction now?”

“Nope,” Dirk replies, voice as even as ever, “Dave’s the one with a sudden shota complex.”

Okay. They’re talking about you. That’s not cool; you’re not shota.

“Hey, fuck you!” you grouse at them, “It’s not my fault I’ve got a baby face.”

You’d flick chicken bits at Dirk if he were close enough, but alas, he is in the living room and the creepy goth chick is directly between you and him.

“So where is my darling uncle anyways?” the girl asks cooly. Aaaand you’ve swung right back into being confused as fuck; you didn’t know Dave and Dirk had a sister.

“He’s gone off to get groceries like a good husbando.”

You snort at Dirks animu engrish and go back to tearing apart the chicken.

“It’s quite refreshing for one of you to be involved with someone capable of cooking,” the girl muses and you sort of feel like you should take that as an insult.

“It’s just a salad,” you tell her.

“Aw, Davey’s got such a sweet daddy.”

Yep, this chicken is totally a portal to the Twilight Zone. You’re not even going to dignify that with a response. You just blush and hope to fuck the ground will swallow you up.

You’re saved by Dave returning, groceries in hand. His stride stutters halfway through the door, when he catches sight of ~~your~~ their guests. He dumps the bags on the table as the girl sitting rises.

“Hey there princess,” he tells her, squeezing her in a hug, “See you’re still rocking the Yolandi look.”

“I see you’re still living at home. You should really address your issues about leaving the nest.”

“Yeah and you should think about keeping your slimy tentacles out of my brain,” he retorts, “And off my ass.”

You glare at her out of the corner of your eyes and sure enough, she really did have her hands on your boyfriend’s ass. It’s a nice ass, sure, but it’s _yours_. She catches your gaze and smirks, black, painted on eyebrows quirking up.

“I see you are quite possessive, John,” she says, “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

You stare at her, eyes gone wide because how the _fuck_ does she know your name? Dave laughs at you, nudging you with his hip. He says, “She’s not actually psychic. I talk about you a lot. She’s is practically my sister.”

“Oh! Oh yeah. I didn’t know you had a sister. Like, an actual one.”

He raises one eyebrow over his shades. “We don’t.”

“But...?”

He sighs through his nose, chopping at the celery just how you taught him. “Roxy’s been Dirk’s best friend since they were kids and somewhere along the line he knocked her up. Twenty years later, I’ve got the biggest soft grunge lesbo as a niece.”

Your mind is completely boggled. “So Dirk’s like, fourty?”

Dave snorts. “Thirty five, I think.”

“Wow, he’s a lot older than you.”

“Naw, not really.” You stare at him, wide eyed until he shrugs and looks away, “I’ll be twenty-eight come Christmas.”

“Holy shit.”

He winces, “I know.”

“I’m twenty-three.”

“I know.”

“How the _hell_ are you so much older than me, you look like you’re _twelve_.”

Dave looks offended at that, and everyone else in the room cackles with laughter. You suddenly realize how loud you were talking. You dump the chicken you pulled apart in with the rest of the salad stuff and mix it up vigorously, pointedly ignoring everyone else, since they only seem to want to embarrass you.

**=== >**

EB : dude omg my boyfriend is apparently REALLY OLD.  
GG : ???  
GG : woah he doesn’t look old :O  
EB : he’s almost thirty.  
EB : how the shit.  
GG : wow that is pretty old. im not all that surprised though??  
GG : i mean he does work a lot and university is expensive.  
GG : i doubt his tuition is paid by a trust fund mister richy rich pants ;3  
EB : iadfhaoghaodfasdgh

TG : so jade says youre kind of freaking out over the age thing   
EB : uh kind of a little? like wow you’re a lot older than me i didn’t expect that.   
TG : its not that big of a difference   
EB : it’s like five years!   
TG : five years isnt that much dude   
TG : also its only four learn how to math   
EB : but how could i have not known??   
TG : it never came up i only know how old you are because you spent like twenty minutes drunkenly rambling about your age   
EB : oh, yeah. huh.   
TG : and facebook is probably the only reason we know each others last name   
EB : no you refer to yourself as strider a lot   
EB : and so does terezi   
TG : ah yeah im not surprised   
EB : but wow we don’t know a lot about each other, do we?   
TG : naw we know plenty   
TG : the important shit at least   
TG : if it bothers you though we could play i never or something   
EB : pff naw that’ll just devolve into us being pervs and equius doesn’t have anywhere to be tonight   
EB : gotta keep it pg   
TG : dude why are you rooming with that weirdo again   
EB : hahah no equius is pretty cool.   
EB : weird, definitely, but cool.   
EB : and he scares the piss out of most the douchebags in this building which is hilarious.   
EB : buuuuut we could totally play like, twenty questions or something :)   
TG : yeah sure you start   
EB : alright where are you from?   
TG : the ‘burbs outside of austin been here all my life i told you   
EB : yeah but you sort of also implied you’ve been in that apartment all your life so...   
TG : where are you from   
EB : the great northwest :) seattle specifically.   
EB : how come you never told me about rose? like, the related part.   
TG : yeah thats easy to explain   
TG : you know how my bros queer as fuck too yeah well one time he fucked a chick and got her knocked up and my baby niece looks like shell eat your soul   
EB : …... okay, fair enough. she really does look like she enjoys eating souls o___o   
TG : whats up with the tattoos   
EB : you mean the meaning behind them?   
TG : yeah   
EB : uh i think the first one has something to do with this weird dream i had once where i could fly and there were these lizard people on one planet that was orbiting a different planet that had chess people who duking it out except they were yellow and purple instead of black and white and i think i was the yellow prince?   
EB : anyways that’s apparently what my subconscious thinks will happen after the apocalypse and it’s stuck with me all my life.   
TG : okay that sounds like the most intense acid trip ever   
EB : heheh yeah it really does, huh?   
EB : and my next one’s just something the tattoo lady showed me while you were getting your tongue barbell thing swapped out that i thought was really cool.   
EB : uuum what’s with dirk’s stupid anime sunglasses?   
TG : kamina gives him the mega dokis   
TG : mostly he keeps them because he thinks theyre fucking hilarious but they were from a cosplay a couple years ago   
TG : he dragged me along as simon and it was the gayest shit i have ever done   
EB : lol wow, that’s really saying something, considering you regularly beg for me to stuff my dick in your mouth ;)   
TG : yeah i know   
TG : howd you get into the scene   
EB : um idk, lots of reading is how i put a name to it i guess, but i’ve sort of always liked it?   
EB : like a couple of my girlfriends definitely liked it a little rougher and jade was cool with me tying her up sometimes.   
EB : you’re actually sort of my first actual sub.   
EB : how’d you get into the scene?   
TG : how come you’ve never tied me up?   
EB : ahaha i’m worried about your shoulders?   
TG : shit uh tldr one of my exs was super uke so i picked up the dom thing but wasnt really all that into it and then i realized that i was doing to him what i wanted done to me so we broke it off and i went to find a dom instead   
TG : as long as my arms aren’t being pulled on theyre okay i still have full range of motion   
TG : im not that old jesus   
EB : eheheheh   
EB : okay, well, maybe we could do that soon?   
TG : yeah id be down   
TG : how come you dont flip out harder over being with a dude   
EB : lots of reading again, i guess.   
EB : you’re sort of a sub first to me, i guess?   
EB : okay no, that makes me sound like an asshole.   
EB : you’re dave first.   
EB : but the fact that you’re a sub and your kinks line up with mine is more important to me than you being a dude.   
EB : and it’s still a little strange for me to like a dude, just in general, ‘cause i never have before.   
EB : not seriously, at least. i think.   
EB : but i like you a lot so i don’t let the weird bother me because it’s tiny compared to all the awesome.   
TG : shit youre adorable holy fuck   
TG : i gotta find me a dentist ive a cavity emergency   
EB : ahahaha   
EB : uuuuuum how come you wear such tiny boxers?   
TG : because it makes my ass look hot as fuck duh   
TG : you thinking you might want some piercings sometime   
EB : meh maybe? i’m a lot less opposed to it now but idk what i’d get.   
TG : shit youd look hella hot with a reverse pa   
EB : what’s that?   
EB : OH AND THAT DOESN’T COUNT AS MY QUESTION!!   
TG : <http://wiki.bme.com/index.php?title=Reverse_Prince_Albert_Piercing>   
EB : oh wow ow.   
EB : no that is scary as shit :O   
TG : yeah its fucking intense   
TG : but you would really look fucking choice   
TG : you already got a sweet ass dick adding a little bling to it would make it completely irresistible   
EB : but you already find my dick irresistible ;)   
EB : i’d be worried about you getting your tongue piercing caught in it :T   
TG : yeah point   
EB : how come you never talked to me before jade basically slapped me upside the head?   
EB : dave?   
TG : sorta figured you were using me as a replacement for your crush   
EB : oh.   
EB : shit wow.   
TG : in retrospect its fucking stupid   
EB : yeah maybe a little.   
EB : although to be honest i ended up sort of disillusioned with the stupid hipster you compared to the actual you.   
EB : i mean, when i thought you were two different people.   
EB : like you’re hot when you’re in your hipster douche mode but you’re AMAZING when you’re just you.   
TG : fuck dont you just fill me with mad dokis   
EB : <3   
TG : <3   
EB : okay whose turn is it now?   
TG : mine i guess whats your favourite colour   
EB : green   
TG : huh really woulda figured you like blue better   
EB : i’m pretty impartial i guess and blue was designated my colour since jade uses green a lot   
EB : its funny though ‘cause /her/ favourite colour is blue!   
EB : whats the story behind your piercings?   
TG : which one   
EB : all of them?   
EB : or whichever one’s got the funniest story heheh.   
TG : septum was my first dirk took me to get it for my sweet sixteen   
TG : navel happened when i was piss drunk   
TG : meenah has the picture of it with the stupid hello kitty barbell i chose to start with framed in her booth   
TG : nips were a dare from rose   
TG : told her id do mine if she did hers and the bitch woke me up at the asscrack of dawn on her eighteenth to drag me down to the shop despite knowing they dont open til noon   
EB : hahahahhhaha oh man.   
TG : also had my ears stretched a fair bit for a while but i let them close up   
TG : what’s your dad like   
EB : uuugh he’s crazy.   
EB : i love him and he’s a great dad but he tries a little too hard and he likes baking just a little too much to be actually sane.   
TG : ahahahah   
EB : wow an actual text laugh. I’m amazed!   
TG : fuck you   
EB : maybe later   
TG : promise me   
EB : pinky swear <3   
EB : what are your parents like?   
TG : they died years ago   
EB : oh man i’m sorry D:   
TG : not your fault   
TG : sucked dick but shit happens   
TG : i ended up living with roxys mom and rose for a couple of years   
TG : and its not like i lost my family   
TG : i miss my parents but nana makes up for it and ive got so many stories about rose as a kid to blackmail her with you have no idea   
EB : oh that’s good i guess?   
EB : still kind of awful   
EB : i was really little when my mom died so i don’t remember her any but it sounds like you were a teenager :T   
TG : yeah fifteen   
TG : shit look at us bonding over dead parents   
EB : sssh we’re supposed to be angsting. you’re ruining it dave.   
TG : yeah thats what i do   
EB : asshole <3

**=== >**

EB : so i’m thinking we should probably establish a non vocal safe word.  
TG : is that so  
EB : yeah.  
EB : i mean, you’re interested in being gagged, right? and tied up?  
TG : shit yeah  
TG : dropping somethings pretty standard  
EB : ?  
TG : like holding onto a ball and dropping it to safeword  
EB : oh, duh.  
TG : sound good to you then  
EB : yeah, if that’s something you’d like?  
EB : i’d be worried about missing it though :T  
EB : a squeak toy maybe?  
TG : that does not work so well for me  
EB : ?  
TG : id squeeze it without meaning to  
EB : oh.  
EB : um.  
EB : idk maybe a bell or something?  
EB : like on a ribbon tied to your finger.  
TG : cute  
EB : so you could jingle it but it wouldn’t make sound until you let it go?  
TG : that is super anime  
EB : it... kind of is orz  
TG : sounds fine though  
EB : okay cool :)  
EB : would you be interested in an all day scene sometime?  
TG : probs  
TG : what sort of thing did you have in mind  
EB : idk  
TG : nice  
TG : sounds fun  
EB : shut up dave.  
EB : <3  
EB : what sounds good to you?  
TG : you know me babe i just wanna please  
EB : so basically whatever i want?  
TG : yeah pretty much  
EB : ahahah okay. i’ll think of something then :)  
TG : sweet

**=== >**

“You know, I think this is the first time I’ve ever been in your dorm.”

“Yeah, I think you’re right.”

You’re not surprised. Dave’s place is usually the better option but you and Terezi and Vriska went to one of the bars nearby and Dave came with and you’re most definitely inebriated so decision making is not one of your top skills currently. And besides, Equius is doing things with his not-girlfriend tonight, like he does every Saturday night.

So it’s totally cool when you tumble into your bunk, pulling Dave with you, and you just laugh a little when he hits his head.

“You’re a dick,” he says, scowling.

“Maybe, but you like my dick.”

You waggle your eyebrows and he snickers, shoving your head back into the pillows by your face. Your ribs are full of fire and your teeth still taste like tequila and mango flavouring from your drinks. He tastes like whiskey when you kiss him. You can feel the heat radiating off his face from his drunken flush and it’s kind of really cool.

He’s exactly the same drunk; he just moves like he’s in water, all slow and elegant while you sway and giggle and it’s totally cool because you’re flat on your back and he’s straddling your hips and you can see his hardon through his jeans.

You can see his hardon through his jeans, which means he’s not wearing any underwear.

Awesome.

He’s hunched over you, palms planted by your shoulders while you rub at his dick with one hand. His sunglasses have slipped down his nose, and you can see the way his eyebrows have squinched together as his breathing picks up. You think it’s kind of silly that he’s still wearing them, since your room is dark as balls, but you do also sort of like seeing him in full cool kid uniform with his face red and slack from arousal.

You really like his face red and slack from arousal, and the way his breath stutters from between his parted lips as he rocks his hips against yours. It may be your new favourite thing.

Dave continues to rut against you. It’s quiet and nice; part of you wants to up the ante a little bit, but the rest of you is convinced you’ll puke if you make any sudden movements, so you’re more than content to let Dave do all the work.

“Good boy,” you whisper to him, squeezing his thighs. He snickers back with a crooked grin. It’s the kind of crooked grin that gives you butterflies, which sort of isn’t that great, since you’re already feeling a little nauseous.

And then the light turns on and you’re blinded.

Dave jerks back, hitting his head on the top bunk again as he hisses, “Shit.” You slap your hands over your eyes and groan.

“Oh, excuse me for interrupting. I was not aware you would have company,” Equius says, sounding a little dumbfounded.

“Hi, John!” your roommate's not-girlfriend says cheerfully.

You sigh, “Hi Nepeta, sorry Equius.”

“Hi, Dave!”

“Hi, Nepeta.” At least your boyfriend has the decency to sound embarrassed too. 

You’re not sure if you should be thankful Dave is still in your lap and thus hiding your boner, or awkward because Dave is in your lap with a boner to match yours and you just got walked in on.

You hear your roommate shuffle over to his desk to pick something up and then there’s about ten seconds of really awkward silence before he says, “I was not aware you were inclined towards such activities.”

“Sorry.” You think your face might actually explode from how much blood is currently packed into it.

You roommate sputters a little bit, and then Nepeta apparently drags him away, saying, “Bye, Dave, bye John. Have fun!”

The light’s flicked off and the door is shut and you’re left with an slaughtered boner and the starts of a headache.

“Lemme guess,” you sigh, “You went to high school together.”

“With Nepeta, yeah. Sorta.”

“Sorta.”

“Yep.”

“How did you go to high school with everyone when you’re so old?”

He snorts, “Gee, thanks.”

**=== >**

TT : Hello John.  
EB : um, hi?  
EB : who are you?  
TT : Rose, Dave’s niece. We’ve met.  
EB : ....  
EB : do i want to know how you got my skype name?  
TT : Dark majyyks.  
EB : sigh  
TT : Actually I stole Dave’s phone and acquired it myself. I hope you don’t mind.  
TT : He has mentioned that you define your seuxality in an unconventional manner. My interest was piqued and I was hoping you’d be willing to discuss.  
EB : uh, there’s not much to discuss?  
TT : On the contrary.  
TT : While it is not uncommon for straight men, particularly within your age group, to experiance seuxal interest in members of their own gender, it is still quite strange to find someone who’s so willing to engage in a romantic relationship where their sexual interest is based off of mutual fetishes rather than genetallia.  
EB : i think i understood maybe half of what you just said.  
EB : also dave and i share kinks. fetishes are completely different.  
TT : I see.  
TT : Might I ask how, exactly, you came to the conclusion that you are willignsaoduga’h‘mn  
TT : dont do it its a trap  
TT : run john run  
TT : save yoruselflf;asdF  
EB : uh, what?  
TT : Pardon the intrusion. I am, apparently, not allowed to talk to you.  
TT : By the way, your phone will be ringing here shortly.

And then your phone does ring, which is creepy as shit, except it’s Dave, so you’re guessing they’re in the same room.

You pick up and Dave immediately says, “Don’t let her into your head man. You’ll never get her out again.”

“Um, okay?”

TT : My darling uncle does me no justice. I am merely curious as to your thought process behind how you’ve rationalized your relationship with Dave.  
TT : It’s a harmless curiosity.

“Damnit Rose, don’t be a creep.”

You sort of hear her through your phone, smugly retorting, “Not possible; I default to creep.”

Dave sighs and it echos awkwardly through your phone. You can’t help but giggle a little, telling him, “You’re really cute around your family.”

“Thanks.” He’s completely deadpan in his reply and you snicker a little more.

There’s some more talking on his end you don’t quite catch, and then he says, away from the receiver, “Yeah, I’ll tell him,” just as you get another skype alert.

TT : My grandmother has cordially invited you to come along next time Dave and Dirk come over for dinner.

“Nana says you should come over for dinner sometime.”

“Your niece already told me.”

Dave grumbles, “Fucker,” and you can hear Rose laughing.

EB : if you’re going to be super nosy in regards to my private relationship, i should get to ask you invasive questions too :)  
TT : I see.  
TT : Alright then, I suppose I can agree to these terms.  
EB : why call dirk dirk when he’s your dad?  
TT : He’s my father soley through genetics.  
TT : While yes, he has been present all through my life as a member of my family, and I have been aware of his contribution to my creation since I could understand what that meant, he has never taken on the traditional role of “father”.  
TT : He is much more comfortable in the role of the older brother.  
TT : It probably does not help that he was quite young at the time of my birth and, despite his genus, emotionally immature.  
TT : Then again, I suppose the same thing could be said of my mother and yet she still threw herself wholeheartedly into the whole having a child thing.  
EB : so your family dynamic is just as unconventional as the way i view my sexuality.  
TT : Quite.  
EB : also you talk way too eloquently for how ugly your haircut is.

You had almost forgotten that you were still on the phone with your boyfriend until he busts out laughing. You assume that he’s reading over Rose’s shoulder.

“Rude! My hair’s not ugly.”

“The Yolandi hair is fugly as shit, princess,” Dave laughs at her, in an entirely cute, big brother sort of way.

“It’s _fashionable_.”

**=== >**

TG : i am still laughing my ass off at how you deflected roses psychobabble  
TG : pretty sure you got dirk to spew orange drank out of his nose too  
TG : congrats man that takes skill  
EB : what can i say, i’m a pranking master :)  
TG : sure babe  
TG : you dont have to come out to dinner if you dont want to btw  
EB : no i don’t mind :)  
EB : unless you’d rather i didn’t?  
TG : no dude its cool my family is just fucking psycho  
TG : so i get it if you wanna bail  
EB : they’re not that bad, hahah.  
TG : thats what they want you to think  
TG : they really are that bad  
EB : you only say that ‘cause they’re your family.  
EB : shoosh it’s cute :)  
TG : derp  
EB : yep <3


End file.
